"I'm Shaking From The Pain Inside My Head.."

Sigh.

She doesn't love me in that way anymore.

I can tell by the way she acts.

I can tell by the look in her eyes.

There used to be longing.

Now there's nothing.

We kinda switched spots in life eh.... She used to want me, and I didn't' want her. Now it's the other way around ><;

I'm still gonna leave her a Valentine's Day card in her locker... No idea what I'm gonna write in it. Probably some cheesy ass poem.

But whatever it is, if she shows NO interest in me whatsoever... Then it falls back to my last resort - Getting her drunk.

haha

Kidding.

:P

Come on, I can still be funny in times of distress, bloggy xD

I'm talking to my blog.

I'm whack

"Peel"

My wrist is numb >>;

No I didn't slice it.

I basicaly hacked at it. And a few shallow cuts broke the skin. Nothing more. Lots of redness though.

Sigh.

Why?

I don't know I just SNAPPED. I was thinking about her... And I was like "Ok, stop thinking about her" so I went to my room and put my ipod on shuffle. First song up "Head Over Feet"... >>;. Shuffle it again... "warning sign"... SHUFFLE IT AGAIN... "Why"... Ok last fucking time you piece of shit... "Can't take my eyes off of you".

Either songs that remind me of her, songs that remind me of my mistakes, song that remind me of how much I miss her.

And I just cracked... Broke down if you will.

All I've been thinking about lately is alternate things that could've happened.. I'm dwelling in the PAST.

I don't want to dwelll.

You know... I quit smoking and drinking for her. But if in a few months we're not back together.. I'll most likely lose hope. Then what's the point of trying to better myself for HER? I'm not doing this for myself. I have this crazy idea that if I'm a better person, if I'm nicer, if I'm cleaner, if I'm prettier. She'll want me back. Even if I KNOW that that isn't the problem.

And you know what really hurt? When we we were talking and she said "don't worry.. You'll find someone else" I don't WANT someone else.

fuck, this place is hell

"Your Words Are Like Knives..."

I haven't updated in a bit.. I have no excuse, really.

So Aimee (unless she's lying to me) doesn't have the linnk to this anymore.. Thank the lord (haha lord). I don't know.. It's just friggin weird.

Yeah, so monday we had a snow day... more like an ice day.

You know who pisses me off? Chanel. UGH. She always has... Ever since we were kids.. There's just something about her... -shrug-

I think I'm doing an OK job of hiding my feelings nowadays... It's like. Fake fake fake fake.

Fake.

No, I swear I'm happy.

Fake.

It doesn't bother me, your touch isn't electric.

Fake.

This laugh is genuine.

Fake.

I'm not thinking about her.

Fake.

Tears aren't waiting to fall any second.

Fake.

Not every song remind me of how much I miss her...

Fake.

I don't want to cut, I don't want to drink, I don't want to get drugged up.

Fake.

Everything I am is fake.. I feel so shitty... I just... I don't know what to do anymore. I just want everything to go back to the way it was. I think... If I had done ONE thing different. If I had just told a drunk Aimee to wait, that we had ALL day the next day to make out or whatever...

We'd still be together.

I would be happy.

And

I wouldn't have to think sad thoughts every second of the day.

"Badabababaaabadabababadabadadadadada"

Anyways, so this weekend I was supossed to be an onset critic type thing for this projec that I'm not even in the class of... But I decided not too.

So last night I went to my cousin's place and she gave me 80 bucks for christmas (cause we didn't see each other during the holidays)... I spent 20 bucks already on a madagascar PS2 game.. I'm cool XD We basicaly ate nothing but junk the whole night... pizza/swiss chalet/chips/A&W/more chips. And watched three movies Karla/Bon Cop Bad Cop/8 mile... All were pretty good I guess. I got offered weed and denied it =D I felt proud of meself. -is cool-

Weirdly, most of the night I talked to Nick on msn... He's a nice guy.

"Doll Steak... Test Meat"

What? I'm not allowed to be bored?? RAWR

Great About Yourself Myspace Survey(Not many like this!)
† The Who's †
Who was the last person to hug you?:	Hmm... My mom.
Who did you talk to last?:	My mom xD
Who saw you cry last?:	Um.. Well not really CRY, but like tear up? Chanel.
Who is your crush/boyfriend/girlfriend/other?:	Crush = Aimee
Who can you tell everything to?:	Danika
Who's your funniest friend?:	Beatrice..
Who's your most hyper friend?:	Um... Either Nicole or Aimee O_O
Who's the best friend of your life?:	Shara...
Who made you cry last?:	Aimee..
Who would be the best president out of all your friends?:	BEATRICE
Who is your favorite music artist (NOT a band)?:	Jack Johnson
Who was the first person you've ever crushed on?:	I think that was Jasson... O_O; Eww.
Who likes you right now?:	I think Aimee does... Hopefully. I think this guy called Nick kinda likes me..
Who do you miss?:	Um, my grandma? xD She was wack. And Aimee.
♥ The What's ♥
What time is it?:	2:09 PM
What's your favorite possession?:	My elephant plush... Elly.
What's the best way to spend Friday night?:	Partying!
What's your favorite pick-up line?:	Wtf.. I don't.. use pick up lines xD
What are you wearing?:	Horny are ya? Haha. Jeans and a sweater.
What do you do when you're upset?:	I try to get over it... But sometimes I cry.
What's the best snack in the world?:	Cookies and milk =D
What kind of clothes do you wear?:	Things that don't compliment my body...
What's one of your weird quirks that nobody really understands?:	No idea...
What's one thing that you must have?:	I don't know.
What's the worst taste ever?:	Olives, pickles and mustard :( puke
What body part on someone else is your favorite?:	Lips.
What is one turn-off when it comes to relationships?:	When someone kisses WAY too sloppily... Like, too much spit and too much tongue... Control yourselves people!
What is your favorite thing to do when you're home?:	Masterbate? LMAO.. I'm totally kidding... Watch TV , go on my computer or read.
♠ The Where's ♠
Where was the last place you drove to?:	Garage..
Where is your favorite place to be at?:	My room.
Where did you have your first kiss?:	I don't remember what was my first kiss was... I think it was for a dare though.
Where is your favorite place to shop?:	Hot Topic xD
Where were you when 9/11 happened?:	At school.
Where are you during the day most?:	School?
Where do you keep your clothes at home?:	My closet.. That's right... I'm a normal person!!
Where is your bed in your bedroom?:	Left corner... I think.
Where is your best friend right now?:	Well... I don't really have a best friend... My friends are
Where do you want to go on vacation?:	Florida.
Where do you want to live when you're older?:	New Zealand... But I'll probably just stay in Ontario.
Where would you go if you could take a free vacation?:	New Zealand.
Where did you go to a party last?:	Um.... Nick's house? I guess it was kinda like a party.
Where is one place that you absolutely HATE?:	I can't think of that right now.
‡ The When's ‡
When was the last time you showered?:	Like an hour aggo.
When did you last do something illegal?:	Like 2 days ago haha
When is the best time to watch a movie?:	At night, with your boyfriend/girlfriend
When do you brush your teeth?:	Morning/Night
When do you like to sleep?:	Early. But I have difficulty sleeping so that doesn't happen often.
When was the last fight you were involved in?:	None?
When was the last time you laughed?:	A few minutes ago.. I think.
When will you go to college?:	After 12th grade? O_O
When do you want to get married?:	When I meet the right person.
When do you think you will graduate college?:	I DONT KNOW!
When are you most happy?:	o0
When do you like to sing?:	When I'm alone.
When do you like to play video games?:	All the time xP
When was the last time you went out of state?:	A few months ago I think
♣ The How's ♣
How many times do you shower daily?:	Once a day.
How are you?:	Shitty.
How do you solve a family problem?:	By talking calmly?
How many times did you swear today?:	I think I said "What the hell?" this morning... O_O
How many pairs of pants do you own?:	Do you honestly think I'm gonna count?
How much money do you have right now?:	A few hundred.
How many things do you own that your parents/siblings don't know about?:	Like... 3 things.
How much food do you eat daily?:	Depends.
How much money did you spend on the most expensive thing you own?:	Like 400 $ on my camera.
How many times can you spin around in circles without being dizzy?:	Wtf
How many drugs have you done?:	Uh... Let's see.... like 6-7ish?? Depends what you're counting as a drug..
How many times have you smoked?:	Probably 10 cigaretttes in my lifetime.
How much alcohol do you usually consume?:	To get drunk? Like.. not alot xD
How many times do you brush your hair a day?:	Once?
*The Have You Evers*
Have you ever been on a house roof top?:	Yes.
Have you ever swam in an ocean?:	Yup.
Have you ever accidentally lock yourself in a room?:	Not that I recall...
Have you ever gotten arrested?:	Nooo
Have you ever gone raving?:	I want to..
Have you ever baked out an entire room?:	lmao yes
Have you ever burnt something while trying to cook?:	No, don't think so.
Have you ever gone through a whole week without changing your clothes?:	Ew no.
Have you ever kissed a stranger?:	Sort of...
Have you ever tackled someone?:	Playfully.
Have you ever pierced yourself?:	Accidentaly.
Have you ever talked to yourself?:	All the time :P
Have you ever played strip beer pong?:	lmao no. But I'd like to one day. Looks fun.
Have you ever laughed so hard you couldn't breathe?:	YEAH!
(Aaaand now for ONE WORD RESPONSES!)
Reading::	awesome
Soda::	gross
Jell-o::	shooters
Trampoline::	jumppppp
Your last ex-boyfriend::	*girlfriend
Summer flings::	nada
Ganja::	TOPPLE
Drinking::	fun
Strip Clubs::	smexy
Dating::	ok?
Cookies::	milk
Underwear::	thongs
Cold::	better
Color::	black
Bed::	comfortable
Pants::	jeans
Microwave::	cancer!
Toaster::	toasty
Blender::	www.willitblend.com
Magic::	real
Love::	real
Hate::	real
Take this survey | Find more surveys Bzoink - The Original Survey Site

"Push The Pedal Down"

Hey bloggyyy.

Wut up!

xD

For some psychotic reason I feel... Happier? I'm not OVER it - far from it - but I'm better. All we need is time... healing needs to start eh.

I had lamb tonight.. I actually ATE it. -droollll- It's like the best meat EVA.

And then me and my mom went to Garage and she bought me some jeans... I hate clothes shopping... But then we went to Chapters and she got me three books =DD

A Stephen King book called Bag of Bones (He's my favorite author.. by the way).

A James Siegel book called "Detour".. He's a good author, he wrote Derailed, the book was so much better then the movie.

A Baudelaire collection of selected poems.. He's an amazing poet.. AMAZING. His words just yell at you... All about pain, despair, sadness; but about beauty at the same time. Though the book has been translated to english.. It's still good, it's still his work.

I love reading I really do.. I like to read books slow and savour every word. Just the simple fact that someone can write so freely about anything is just.. wow. I'd like to be an author, but I doubt I could. So people are just born with the talent of writing.. You can LEARN that.

Oh and today some dude came in our music class... He said that me and Eric have amazing musical talent.. And a musical ear. That was nice.

"Truth"

Yeah, so I was feeling really depressed today... And Aimee totally told me off (Good for you btw) by telling me to stop pestering her... And that kinda woke me up. I've been reallly annoying and depressive lately and that's even worse then me drowning my problems in substance... So I hafta quit that too...

I just hope that we'll be together again... but not now. So it's time to push Ms. Impatient-Stefanie off a cliff.

Rawr

­"This Was The Unkindest Cut Of All..."

I can't stop listening to this fucking coldplay song <_<;;;;;;;;;;;;


A warning sign
I missed the good part then I realised
I started looking and the bubble burst
I started looking for excuses

Come on in
I've got to tell you what a state I'm in
I've got to tell you in my loudest tones
That I started looking for a warning sign

When the truth is
I miss you
Yeah the truth is
That I miss you so.

A warning sign
You came back to haunt me and I realised
That you were an island and I passed you by
When you were an island to discover

Come on in
I've got to tell you what a state I'm in
I've got to tell you in my loudest tones
That I started looking for a warning sign

When the truth is
I miss you
Yeah the truth is
That I miss you so

And I'm tired
I should not have let you go

So I crawl back into your open arms
Yes I crawl back into your open arms
And I crawl back into your open arms
Yes I crawl back into your open arms

"Where Is Your Heart?"

Ok, so I was talking to my cousin and told her briefly what happened... And this is what she said :

Julie says: aw... you should always listen to your heart hunni..

THANKS FOR THE ADVICE. A wee bit late though.

"Would You Have The Guts To Say.. I Don't Love You Like I Loved You Yesterday"

Sigh

Went to my therapist. I wasn't really paying attention. Staring out windows is a new hobby. Really. Well now that Aimee knows the link to this I can't really be like BRUTALLY HONEST like I usually am on here.. But I feel...

sad

"I Quit! I Quit!"

small post to say I'm gonna try to hard to quit drinking, quit getting high, quit cutting myself. And maybe become a better person.

"Stop My Breathing And Slit My Throat... I Must Be Emo"

Ah, the tales of a first love and it's destruction..

Ok so to answer the question I asked in my previous post... the answer is NO. A teenage relationship cannot stand that much strain... We broke up.

Well, to be more accurate I broke up with her. I know I know... WTFFFFFFFFx1029234908. It's because she was acting distant/weird/different than the usual Aimee I know... But monday wasn't that bad, my mind totally over exagerated it... It was like my head was saying "Break up with her, she ain't gonna go back to normal, to the way she was.. And besides what will YOUR MOM think??, what do people think of you? Beatrice is probably right about everything" and then my heart started to pipe up, the tears just starter pouring... but my dad came in and told us we had to go NOW, I fucking begged him to let me stay he said no. too bad my heart wasn't included in the conversation before i left, maybe we'd still be together.

Anyways, then I went to the dentist, AND LET ME TELL YOU THAT IS A LONG ASS CAR RIDE TO GO CHECK UP ON YOUR TEETH HOLY RECTUM. haha rectum. Sorry, off track... I had all that time in the car to sit and think. Oh, so now my heart kicks in. "Hey, Stef, are you retarded?? You think about her constantly, she's given you numerous chances to redeem yourself, and here you go and fuck it up! Oooh, you're gonna regret this, it was the first day back! You can't expect her to act like nothing happened...". Then it's like... I wanna talk to her and tell her im sorry tell her to take me back i didn't mean it i didn't mean it I DIDNT MEAN IT. But I was stuck in a car. On the 401 begging my parents to turn back because I felt sick. Crying like a crazy person. I've never wanted to turn back time more in my life.

So I get to the dentist at like 6:45ish and they have a computer...So I get on it and HOPE that Aimee is on... Wrongo. But I send her a myspace message.

All the other times we broke up I've never felt like this before...

Is this love? Is love just plenty of pain delivered to you like a fucking hammer to your head??

Well I know it isn't because I've had some of the best times of my life with her.

Anyways, I get my teeth cleaned, we go to mcdonalds (which I had eaten that day, mind you, I almost puked), healthy huh? You bet your ass! And I'm like begging my parents to get home, I just wanted to call her so bad... Tell her how I feel. So I get home, call her, and tell her to read the message... She says she doesn't know if she can take me back or not.

So that whole morning, I was praying that she would say she'd take me back.. But of course that ain't what happened. She says she wants to but she can't. And I get it. Fuck, she's given me so many shots at this shit... I've cheated on her, broke up with her and got back to her as a I please. As if she meant nothing. It's like "we're breaking up, wait no, i still want you, we're breaking up, I still want you, we're, I, breaking, still, up, want, you" Mixed messages much?? You can say that again. I mean, how many chances did I expect to get anyways?

Anyways, so since that day.. I've felt like shit.

Whenever I look at her all I see is the person I love and that I can't have... That I've had and that I've treated like shit. It's hard to believe this all started because my mom walked in on us making out... And by the way, my family and me are pretty much fine now.

Now, instead of letting my head talk, or even my heart talk. I'm letting a broken heart talk, which I shouldn't do, really... I sound like a total desperate/creeper/cry baby/stalker and I can't even control what I'm saying to her. It's like word vomit. I don't want her to touch me, everytime she does I want to kiss her, hold her...

Too many sorries

I can't eat
I can't sleep
I can't stop CRYING
I can't function
I can't think straight
I can't remember a time when I didn't feel nauseous

I know this is kidna gross, xD, but like... I've literally have had no interest in sex at all since friday... I mean... Like I.. um... masterbated (I hate that word)... almost everyday... I just have no sex drive.

You know what? It was totally retarded of me to think we'd be together till Valentine's Day... I had this whole thing planned out. It was really cute. ><;

She deserves SO MUCH. Like... She's funny, sweet, caring, forgiving, adorable, fair, reliable, smart, generous, open minded, creative, romantic, witty, dependable I could go on and on and on...................and on and on. xD A person who has so many qualities should be with somebody who can actually appreciate them. Not me.

I want her back more then anything in the WORLD right now, like if a genie came up to me and told me I only had once wish.. It would be for
not a second chance
not a third chance
not a fourth chance
but a fifth one. Lmao, wishfull thinking much? I wouldn't have given me a second chance if I were her.

The only thing I can say, Bloggy (that's your name btw :P) is that if I do get that fifth chance one day.. I'm holding on to it. And the only way I'd ever hurt her again would be if... No, there isn't any ifs. I wouldn't hurt her again.

I want her back ><;!

But like she told me... You can't always get what you want.

Cause I built you a home in my heart,
With rotten wood, and it decayed from the start.
I'm a war, of head versus heart,
And it's always this way.
My head is weak, my heart always speaks,
Before I know what it will say.

"I Wear This Crown Of Shit, Upon My Liar's Chair"

Sorry bout the lack of update and all... My life basicaly went to SHIT since like thursday.

well, thursday I went to my friend Jasmine's ex-boyfriend's house, got piss drunk and made out with him, Nick. And now he won't stop calling me... I'm not interested. Aimee knows, she forgave me.. hopeufully. I feel really shitty about it, cut myself.

fuck

And let me just tell you that I hadn't seen aimee in almost two weeks I was going crazy. I love her so fucking much and she came over and my mom walked in on us making out... You have no idea how bad THAT was.

I thought I knew what being sad felt like.

Or how many tears I could cry.

Or how hot i could put the shower water before it hurts

Or how I look like... REALLy look like

I was wrong... Everything has gone to shitty fuck hell and I don't know if a teenage relationship can stand this much strain... Till then, it's just whatever.

-Stef

"Everyday, Im So Happy, Baby"

You know... somtimes my life ROCKS. Last night my whole family (including my cat, Taffy) sat down together and watched The Devil Wears Prada and we just had a great time...

And Aimee almost for sure is coming thursday.

Oh and this, is our conversation right now:

Aimee: I wish you were here, right now or I was wherever you are...
Aimee: I miss you.
Me: Aw...
Me: i wish I could just like... hold you right now ^^
Aimee: Ditto,man...
Me: i love you
Aimee: i love you too.
Me: ^___^

AARGH, that's just beyong awesome/cute/happy

-Stef

"I Miss You, Miss You So Bad"

Hey...Well, New Years Eve was OK. It was a sober one thought... I had like one light screwdriver at my aunt's house. I went to my cousin Julie's before that... I was like praying that she would offer me a joint or something.. But no dice.

And then at my aunt's house we played charades (How GAY is that!) But it was fun.. I guess. My aunt's sister was there with her girlfriend... I love adult lesbians. They're so cute =D They have a dog named Peanut ,equally cute.

Aimee still doesn't know if she can come to my house thursday or not... I really want her too.. I haven't seen her in like a week + and I just wanna kiss her, once. Even talking to her face to face would be ok to satisfy me.

My dad is behind me playing guitar... It's kinda annoying because I don't want him to see this eh.

Tonight, my family is going out to East Side Mario's... I haven't even done my hair yet. Hmmph.