Ok so to answer the question I asked in my previous post... the answer is NO. A teenage relationship cannot stand that much strain... We broke up.
Well, to be more accurate I broke up with her. I know I know... WTFFFFFFFFx1029234908. It's because she was acting distant/weird/different than the usual Aimee I know... But monday wasn't that bad, my mind totally over exagerated it... It was like my head was saying "Break up with her, she ain't gonna go back to normal, to the way she was.. And besides what will YOUR MOM think??, what do people think of you? Beatrice is probably right about everything" and then my heart started to pipe up, the tears just starter pouring... but my dad came in and told us we had to go NOW, I fucking begged him to let me stay he said no. too bad my heart wasn't included in the conversation before i left, maybe we'd still be together.
Anyways, then I went to the dentist, AND LET ME TELL YOU THAT IS A LONG ASS CAR RIDE TO GO CHECK UP ON YOUR TEETH HOLY RECTUM. haha rectum. Sorry, off track... I had all that time in the car to sit and think. Oh, so now my heart kicks in. "Hey, Stef, are you retarded?? You think about her constantly, she's given you numerous chances to redeem yourself, and here you go and fuck it up! Oooh, you're gonna regret this, it was the first day back! You can't expect her to act like nothing happened...". Then it's like... I wanna talk to her and tell her im sorry tell her to take me back i didn't mean it i didn't mean it I DIDNT MEAN IT. But I was stuck in a car. On the 401 begging my parents to turn back because I felt sick. Crying like a crazy person. I've never wanted to turn back time more in my life.
So I get to the dentist at like 6:45ish and they have a computer...So I get on it and HOPE that Aimee is on... Wrongo. But I send her a myspace message.
All the other times we broke up I've never felt like this before...
Is this love? Is love just plenty of pain delivered to you like a fucking hammer to your head??
Well I know it isn't because I've had some of the best times of my life with her.
Anyways, I get my teeth cleaned, we go to mcdonalds (which I had eaten that day, mind you, I almost puked), healthy huh? You bet your ass! And I'm like begging my parents to get home, I just wanted to call her so bad... Tell her how I feel. So I get home, call her, and tell her to read the message... She says she doesn't know if she can take me back or not.
So that whole morning, I was praying that she would say she'd take me back.. But of course that ain't what happened. She says she wants to but she can't. And I get it. Fuck, she's given me so many shots at this shit... I've cheated on her, broke up with her and got back to her as a I please. As if she meant nothing. It's like "we're breaking up, wait no, i still want you, we're breaking up, I still want you, we're, I, breaking, still, up, want, you" Mixed messages much?? You can say that again. I mean, how many chances did I expect to get anyways?
Anyways, so since that day.. I've felt like shit.
Whenever I look at her all I see is the person I love and that I can't have... That I've had and that I've treated like shit. It's hard to believe this all started because my mom walked in on us making out... And by the way, my family and me are pretty much fine now.
Now, instead of letting my head talk, or even my heart talk. I'm letting a broken heart talk, which I shouldn't do, really... I sound like a total desperate/creeper/cry baby/stalker and I can't even control what I'm saying to her. It's like word vomit. I don't want her to touch me, everytime she does I want to kiss her, hold her...
Too many sorries
I can't eat
I can't sleep
I can't stop CRYING
I can't function
I can't think straight
I can't remember a time when I didn't feel nauseous
I know this is kidna gross, xD, but like... I've literally have had no interest in sex at all since friday... I mean... Like I.. um... masterbated (I hate that word)... almost everyday... I just have no sex drive.
You know what? It was totally retarded of me to think we'd be together till Valentine's Day... I had this whole thing planned out. It was really cute. ><;
She deserves SO MUCH. Like... She's funny, sweet, caring, forgiving, adorable, fair, reliable, smart, generous, open minded, creative, romantic, witty, dependable I could go on and on and on...................and on and on. xD A person who has so many qualities should be with somebody who can actually appreciate them. Not me.
I want her back more then anything in the WORLD right now, like if a genie came up to me and told me I only had once wish.. It would be for
not a second chance
not a third chance
not a fourth chance
but a fifth one. Lmao, wishfull thinking much? I wouldn't have given me a second chance if I were her.
The only thing I can say, Bloggy (that's your name btw :P) is that if I do get that fifth chance one day.. I'm holding on to it. And the only way I'd ever hurt her again would be if... No, there isn't any ifs. I wouldn't hurt her again.
I want her back ><;!
But like she told me... You can't always get what you want.
Cause I built you a home in my heart,
With rotten wood, and it decayed from the start.
I'm a war, of head versus heart,
And it's always this way.
My head is weak, my heart always speaks,
Before I know what it will say.
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