"Peel"

My wrist is numb >>;

No I didn't slice it.

I basicaly hacked at it. And a few shallow cuts broke the skin. Nothing more. Lots of redness though.

Sigh.

Why?

I don't know I just SNAPPED. I was thinking about her... And I was like "Ok, stop thinking about her" so I went to my room and put my ipod on shuffle. First song up "Head Over Feet"... >>;. Shuffle it again... "warning sign"... SHUFFLE IT AGAIN... "Why"... Ok last fucking time you piece of shit... "Can't take my eyes off of you".

Either songs that remind me of her, songs that remind me of my mistakes, song that remind me of how much I miss her.

And I just cracked... Broke down if you will.

All I've been thinking about lately is alternate things that could've happened.. I'm dwelling in the PAST.

I don't want to dwelll.

You know... I quit smoking and drinking for her. But if in a few months we're not back together.. I'll most likely lose hope. Then what's the point of trying to better myself for HER? I'm not doing this for myself. I have this crazy idea that if I'm a better person, if I'm nicer, if I'm cleaner, if I'm prettier. She'll want me back. Even if I KNOW that that isn't the problem.

And you know what really hurt? When we we were talking and she said "don't worry.. You'll find someone else" I don't WANT someone else.

fuck, this place is hell